Sleepless Hours of the Night

I am lying in my bed awake trying not to stress out, so what am I really doing? Stressing out. Lately I am unsure of where all of my anger is coming from. I should clarify that when I say anger, you must understand that it comes in the form of frustration. I am not lashing out at people, I am not being mean. Instead I hold it all in and wonder what is making me so frustrated. I am sure that I could blame it a lot on the boy who won’t give me the time of day lately, and not being slated for the exact executive position I wanted, but I know it has to be more than that. A year ago my biggest issue was being away from home, but it took me three days to get over that. Sure I had my hard days after the initial shock but I quickly snapped back into the life I was enjoying. I am not enjoying the little things I used to. I start this blog because I realized I wasn’t writing anymore, not for me and not for class either. It has been so long since I sat down and wrote for myself and analyzed myself and my thoughts. I can’t guarantee that writing about my thoughts will change anything but I am hoping I can arrive at some satisfying conclusion of why I’m not like I used to be.

I used to care so much about about people and their lives. I still care but it’s not the same. I don’t have time to do the little things for people anymore. I don’t know if that makes me a bad person…or sadly, a normal person. I don’t have time to ask someone if they want to talk, because I don’t have time to listen. That’s not right, but that is how I feel. I still ask and I try to help, but I feel like I don’t have the time to put in the effort to care and solve the issue the way I used to. Maybe that means I don’t care, or maybe it means I am being more cautious with myself which in turn makes me put up walls-which is an entirely different story. Maybe it is the same one, but it’s a long one.

I am going to make a goal to ask people how they are doing, and genuinely care about the answer.

On a total side note, I want to start volunteering with kids again. I feel like children have this innocence about them that allows them to only see the small stuff. The other night I watched the snowfall and realized that there was truly something magical about it. I can’t remember the last time I looked at something and said “this is god’s work”. I am not overly religious but I can definitely recognize the man’s handy work. I am trying to love life, but currently I am finding it is harder to love something, the more you know about it.